An Unexpected Peace

Yesterday was HARD! I had been dreading it ALL. MONTH. LONG. I have been overly anxious, just knowing something bad was going to happen, that I was not going to be able to cope. As it turns out – I was wrong!

Yes, yesterday was emotional and hard and a day that I was happy to get over with, but it brought such an unexpected peace as I laid my head down to go to sleep last night.

We spent the day as a family yesterday – Reuben and the boys and I. We talked about the events of “that day” and the weeks following. We talked about all of the people who came out of the woodwork to show their support – both last year and this year. (The number of people who have reached out in the last few days amazes me! It is so heartwarming to know that people still care and that we aren’t alone.) We talked about how we miss Rem – not just on the anniversary of his death but EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This is the part that caught me off guard. I expected to feel completely overwhelmed with loss and grief but I realized two things yesterday:

FIRST – I have been “dealing” with that grief every day since we came home from the hospital. Every day when I look out my back door, there is his house. Everyday I see the picture I have on my fridge. Everyday I think of him and wish he was here. Every day I want to share some funny thing the boys did with him. Just because we marked a year off the calendar doesn’t magically change anything. And I have felt like I was burying my head in the sand and avoiding “dealing” with my grief.

But, I realize now, that my grief just looks different than I expected. I said it a year ago, and I will say it again now – death royally sucks for those of us left to finish out our earthly lives but the eternal life that is waiting for us is truly comforting.

Knowing that Rem has been watching over us while livin’ it up with all those that we miss so much – just waiting for the day that we will join them, brings a sense of peace that I never expected. It doesn’t take the pain away, it doesn’t make the days any easier, it doesn’t make me miss him less but it does allow me to LIVE while missing him!

SECOND – How truly grateful and blessed we are that Reuben is still with us and – no matter how trying the days can get (because, let’s face it being a parent, running your own businesses and adulting in general is hard and stressful!) there is SO much we have to be thankful for!!

Things could have gone very differently than day. God could have decided it was time for both of them to be called home. They both could have had injuries that didn’t kill them but caused their quality of life to be significantly diminished. But thankfully that was not the outcome!

This year, I am making it my goal to find happiness in EVERY day. To find something to be thankful for no matter how down in the dumps I feel. To try to just be a more positive person in general because no matter the situation, if you look hard enough there is ALWAYS something good!