Welcome to Leo & Lucy – I hope you will find inspiration, motivation or at least some humor in the life of a perfect sinner.
Since October 2018, I have been doing a lot of thinking and writing….writing and thinking….it has become therapy for me. I am by no means an expert on anything; but recent conversations with both friends and strangers have helped me see that sometimes you just need someone to tell you “hey, this is my normal” – it might be your normal too (or at the very least, hopefully help you see a different side of things).
So, feel free to hop on this roller coaster as I share with you my thoughts, dreams, trials and triumphs.
Yesterday was HARD! I had been dreading it ALL. MONTH. LONG. I have been overly anxious, just knowing something bad was going to happen, that I was not going to be able to cope. As it turns out – I was wrong!
Yes, yesterday was emotional and hard and a day that I was happy to get over with, but it brought such an unexpected peace as I laid my head down to go to sleep last night.
We spent the day as a family yesterday – Reuben and the boys and I. We talked about the events of “that day” and the weeks following. We talked about all of the people who came out of the woodwork to show their support – both last year and this year. (The number of people who have reached out in the last few days amazes me! It is so heartwarming to know that people still care and that we aren’t alone.) We talked about how we miss Rem – not just on the anniversary of his death but EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This is the part that caught me off guard. I expected to feel completely overwhelmed with loss and grief but I realized two things yesterday:
FIRST – I have been “dealing” with that grief every day since we came home from the hospital. Every day when I look out my back door, there is his house. Everyday I see the picture I have on my fridge. Everyday I think of him and wish he was here. Every day I want to share some funny thing the boys did with him. Just because we marked a year off the calendar doesn’t magically change anything. And I have felt like I was burying my head in the sand and avoiding “dealing” with my grief.
But, I realize now, that my grief just looks different than I expected. I said it a year ago, and I will say it again now – death royally sucks for those of us left to finish out our earthly lives but the eternal life that is waiting for us is truly comforting.
Knowing that Rem has been watching over us while livin’ it up with all those that we miss so much – just waiting for the day that we will join them, brings a sense of peace that I never expected. It doesn’t take the pain away, it doesn’t make the days any easier, it doesn’t make me miss him less but it does allow me to LIVE while missing him!
SECOND – How truly grateful and blessed we are that Reuben is still with us and – no matter how trying the days can get (because, let’s face it being a parent, running your own businesses and adulting in general is hard and stressful!) there is SO much we have to be thankful for!!
Things could have gone very differently than day. God could have decided it was time for both of them to be called home. They both could have had injuries that didn’t kill them but caused their quality of life to be significantly diminished. But thankfully that was not the outcome!
This year, I am making it my goal to find happiness in EVERY day. To find something to be thankful for no matter how down in the dumps I feel. To try to just be a more positive person in general because no matter the situation, if you look hard enough there is ALWAYS something good!
Soooo…..it’s been awhile, I’m sure you were wondering where I’d gone – NOT! 😀 (If you really were, thank you for your curiosity!)
You may remember in my post back in April on National Siblings day, I stated that I knew we weren’t done having children….
…..WELL it turns out that I was giving away a secret that I didn’t know I was keeping 🙄 Shortly after writing those words (like DAYS after) I found out we are expecting our 3rd child!
Now, before you say (in your most motherly/grandmotherly voice), “Anna, don’t you know how that happens?”…Yes, we are TOTALLY aware of how that happens – we have two children already! Both of which took planning and months of trying to get here. God had other plans this time!
So, just as we were getting into a routine of being a family of four, our lives were turned upside down again!
I am a horrible pregnant lady! I get sick, have to get fluids, think that I’m never going to make it through another day feeling this crappy and each time I am pregnant, I SWEAR it will be the last time!
When I was pregnant with the first, things weren’t so bad (in hindsight), then having a 1 year old and being pregnant was a challenge but now having a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old and trying to fight the nausea, exhaustion and general crappinesss of the beginnings of pregnancy, I have to say this is the worst one yet.
Now, mind you, I am SUPER excited to have another child, I’m just not big on the whole process that it takes to get there.
Currently, I am trying not to freak out about the fact that by the end of the year, I will have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a newborn – in the winter – my most favorite and most hated season! I love the snow and all the “fun” things about winter but HATE the darkness and loneliness of it!
So, long story long….I promise I haven’t left you, I am just now getting back among the living and finding time to put some thoughts on paper again. I have missed the therapeutic experience that comes when I write. Be prepared for some ups, downs, and thought provoking posts to come!
Here’s to an amazing summer making memories and living life!! 💚
I don’t know about you, but April seemed to show up and be gone before I even knew it!
It was a crazy month filled with ups, downs, twists and turns! Needless to say, I didn’t even get my goals shared for April and guess what….I didn’t get them accomplished either! Sometimes life just takes hold and says, “Not today, Anna” or in this case “Not this month, Anna!”
After taking a look at the chaos of my day to day life, I decided it was time for a change! I finally had to say, “This is too much for me to do – all day, every day.”
That was something that I had been thinking/feeling for a long time but never wanted to admit it to myself or anyone else! I felt (and sometimes still feel) like that makes me a failure. How do other people make it look so easy and I am over here barely keeping my head above water?!? Well, let me tell you something, they aren’t doing all alone and neither should you!
It is ok to ask for help! It is ok to say, “I need a day to myself! I need some time for me!”
I struggle being home with the kids ALL DAY LONG – usually never having an adult conversation (unless listening to a robotic telemarketer counts 😂).
There are SO MANY things I need and want to do but feel like I am neglecting the kids while I am trying to work in the office. And my productivity diminishes extremely when I can’t give my full attention to the task at hand. Nobody is winning, nothing is getting accomplished and I continue to feel like an even bigger failure!
So, I finally have decided to take the boys to a babysitter one day a week. We are so lucky to have a lady that I have known pretty much my whole life that is willing to watch them for a few hours every week! She offered when Rexton was younger and I never wanted to impose, so I never took her up on it. BIG MISTAKE!
It is amazing how having just one set day has allowed me to save my sanity, gets the boys some interaction with people other than family and lets me have a day at “work” uninterrupted by Paw Patrol and poopy diapers! I finally feel like maybe I am gaining a little instead of just treading water.
I have also changed my standards for myself. At first, I thought that meant that I was lowering my standards but I have come to realize it is more about making the most of the season of life I am in right now. I have to admit to myself that having two young children and two businesses to help run is a full time job and that I need to give my priorities some rearranging. Some days it is ok to just survive and some days it is a “get things done” whirlwind and that is ok!
So, for May, my one BIG goal is to continue figuring out how to balance life. I feel like focusing on this will allow the other goals I haven’t been able to reach to fall into place.
Ok, enough rambling…if you find yourself treading water instead of making progress, I encourage you to take a step back and rearrange your priorities. Look at the big picture and how you can make all the pieces work together instead of trying to make each part of your life perfect! And, PLEASE reach out to those who have offered to help! I know people say it all the time, and we feel like it is more of a pleasantry instead of a genuine offer, but guess what!? Most people who offer, really mean it!
And, if nothing else, shoot me a message and we can commiserate together! 🙂
Apparently today is
national siblings day. At least that is what scrolling through Facebook tells
me.
Most of the time I
don’t pay much heed to such days, but for some reason today is different.
I just dropped Rexton off in the tractor with my uncle. (Before I realized it was national siblings day, because it has just been one of those days where you can’t even slow down and get two seconds to yourself to pee!) I know, you are thinking, what does this have to do with siblings Anna? But bear with me!!
As I pulled away
from the field I lost it! I was so mad and thankful all at the same time! I am
so thankful that I have family and friends who love my children as if they were
their own! Thankful that I have people in my life who are willing to help me by
taking the kids for an hour or two. Thankful for the people who are willing to
be there for them no matter what.
Then I got MAD! MAD
– because there is a huge void that cannot be filled in my kids’ lives. MAD –
that no matter how much we try, there will always be moments in every day that
I wish I could share with their uncle Rem. Moments where I say to myself, Rem
should be doing this with them!
I know Rem is here,
watching day in and day out because, believe it or not, I truly think Rexton
sees and talks to him! Out of the blue he will tell me that he is inviting
Remmy over for supper or to play with his toys. You can’t tell me that Rem’s
not present in one form or another!
Anyway, I got
sidetracked, sorry!!
Back to National
Siblings Day…
I am fortunate to
have two younger brothers. We had our trials growing up, but it has been
amazing to watch our relationships grow as we have gotten older. I often find
myself turning to them for advice and help more than I ever thought I would. I
am the older sister and therefore, I should be the one giving help and advice
but you know what!? They are pretty good at it themselves!
Jerrod – The older younger brother!
Conrad aka “Bubba” – the younger younger brother!
The most amazing
thing that has come with having brothers is the “sisters” I get out
of it! As it was so perfectly put the other day, my “someday” sister-
in-laws are amazing! Growing up, I always wanted sisters, but as I got into high
school and realized that I didn’t really like the drama that comes with being a
girl, I was super happy to have had only brothers! But again, in my adult life,
it is awesome to have these women around! Knowing that I can lean on them,
knowing they are there willing to do whatever they can to help, and getting to
be able to be there for them in the same capacity is just awesome!
I also am fortunate
to have a “big brother” – an uncle that is just a few years older
than I am. (He also happens to be my husband’s best friend – again, one of
those stories for another day!) Growing up, I was always eager for his approval
and most of the time jealous of the things he got to do that I didn’t! (Totally
more like siblings in that respect!) I am so thankful that he is in my life and
my kids’ lives. I know that he will be there no matter what, for me and for
them!
Chance & me circa 1989-ish? – The “big brother”
Finally, I am so thankful for my brother-in-law. He was an amazing man! I remember when he found out we were expecting our first child. I think he was more excited than we were! Watching him show an interest in Rexton even as a newborn was so awesome! (I don’t know about you, but watching a man turn into a big ol’ teddy bear when they are with babies/kids MELTS MY FREAKING HEART!) 💚
Rem & Rexton
I was asked the other day if we were done having children. My answer right away was NO! I always knew that I wanted more than two children (even though each time I am pregnant, I swear I am never having another one!) After losing Rem, that thought has been even more profound.
Looking at the day from Reuben’s standpoint – it is kind of a hard pill to swallow; Reuben will always have a brother even though he is not here in the capacity we wish he was! 💙
Anyway, I guess my point is – I am thankful for siblings, no matter the capacity they have come into my life; I love them all the same!
I
encourage you to take the time today to reach out to your siblings and/or
“siblings” and let them know how much they mean to you! Sometimes we
take them for granted and assume that they know how we feel about them…even if
they know, it is still nice to hear once in a while 😉
I have never been much of a goal setter. No matter how hard I try, I tend to want to set WAY TOO many and think that everything has to be perfect from the start! Guess what?!?!? I fail EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! My mind is always on the perfect end result and never focused on HOW to actually accomplish them. This causes me to get crazy stressed and give up because I can’t do it perfectly right away!
I have also never put a time frame on my goals. I just knew they were things I wanted to make happen perfectly RIGHT NOW! Nevermind the fact that I was never able to stick with it long enough to sit down and review my progress and grow in the process. I decided all of that was going to change this year…
So, last month I sat down and made some goals. I wrote them out, by hand, on a piece of paper – GASP! – which helps them feel more “real” for some reason. (I am a lover of technology, but there is just something about pen and paper that I will never be able to give up!!) I shared them on Leo & Lucy’s Facebook Page….here’s the rundown of how things went this month:
✔ Publish Blog – DONE! – I may have cheated a little bit with this one 😉 I had actually published it before I even sat down to write out my goals. BUT, being able to check it off right away helped motivate me to keep moving forward! ✔ Make time twice a week to write – hmmm, this one seemed like a totally obtainable goal…I was WRONG! Saving my sanity and getting my sh*t together got in the way took priority. (More to come on that topic soon!) ✔ Get January book work done – NOPE! This one didn’t even cross my mind after I wrote it down 🙄
All in all, I feel like I did way better with my goals this go ’round than I ever have before. Heck, we are at the start of another month and I am still sticking with it – that my friend is PROGRESS!! So, here’s what I took away from my first month of goal setting:
Don’t set too many – I originally set more than those three because I didn’t feel like I was covering everything I really wanted to accomplish. BIG mistake! I bit off way more than I could chew and started to get discouraged. So, now I have a “master list” of goals and when I think of something I want to work on, I add it to the list. That way, when I sit down to set my goals for the month, I have a starting point and can pick and choose what is important right now, what can be broken down into smaller goals, and what can wait until a later time. It is interesting to see how things start to build on each other when you look at it as one continuous work in progress list instead of a “I NEED to get everything done RIGHT NOW” list.
Have a plan – Making time to write twice a week sounded totally doable but I got a huge reality check. I learned that just because I can write by the seat of my pants, doesn’t mean anyone wants to read it or could understand it! I need to be able to sit down and focus on the task at hand without trying to feed the baby, get some milk, change a diaper, switch the laundry, fix lunch, run the dishwasher….you get the point! So, how do I make that happen? There needs to be a plan! I need to have a plan for the boys, my house needs to be picked up (or I need to leave it) and my the rest of my normal to do list needs to be checked off. I am already excitedly looking at my calendar and trying to figure out how to make these things happen for this month!
Keep them in front of you – Last month, after I wrote my goals, they got stored away in a notebook, not to be looked at again until I sat down at the end of the month to check my progress. How do you know what you are working towards if it is hidden in a notebook?!? How do you make them a priority if you can’t even remember what they are?!? That’s right – you don’t and you can’t! So…this month, they are getting posted in a prominent place, probably on the wall of my kitchen, so I can see them every day and be reminded of what I am working towards and why!
Progress NOT perfection is key! – It is ok to not accomplish your goals. Sometimes you have to revamp them, make them more obtainable or look at the bigger picture to see that you are making progress. If you aren’t making progress, figure out why! For instance, I was wanting to do WAY TOO much all at one time. No matter how hard I try, I am not super woman and NO ONE can accomplish everything all at once!
Accountability feeds progress – By sharing my goals with you, I don’t feel like I can just shove them off until next month or next year…I have put it out into the universe that I am expecting this of myself and if I don’t at least attempt to conquer them, I will have failed not only myself, but all of you too. (Nothing like a little guilt trip to motivate me 🙂)
So, here’s to another round of learning, accomplishing and self growth!
Be sure to check out Leo & Lucy on Facebook to see my goals for March and share your goals with me!! We can grow in this process together!
When I am down and out, I tend to write what I need to hear. And if I need to hear it, chances are somebody else does too! So, this is for all you mommas out there who are frustrated, exhausted and so over whatever phase your child is currently in – you are not alone!
🎵You’re gonna miss this, you’re gonna want this back🎵 – This song keeps running through my head – I think as a reminder that things change so quickly and that we have to remember to slow down and enjoy each phase, even if it is a no-so-fun one, because before you know it’s gone…
Things were going so well a few weeks ago that I finally decided we had a decent routine down and that I could totally meet my writing goals…these two munchkins just laughed and said watch this mom!
Both boys have been sick, which has thrown the littlest’s “super easy sleeper” schedule ALL out if wack….no more sleeping through the night and getting a few hours to myself in the mornings.
THEN, somebody (me) decided to buy underwear – just to have on hand when the biggest is ready – guess who saw them and insisted on wearing them the minute I took them out of the sack? Yep, that’s how our potty training venture started.
Now, mind you, I am totally aware of how quickly phases can change and that you never (and I mean NEVER) count on anything being the same from day to day, but I guess I just got a little cocky.
Anyway, during my middle of the night feedings, I tend to scroll aimlessly through Facebook to try and keep myself awake and a post from a friend if mine caught my eye. They are in the heart of “new parenthood” – the part where everything changes from week to week and you feel like you are drowning in information but none of it seems to pertain to your child – and my heart went out to her. I remember those days! It wasn’t long ago (2 years to be exact) that I was a brand new mom and completely overwhelmed. Now, I am just as overwhelmed this time around but I know that this too shall pass.
So, what I’m trying to say momma, you got this! You are not alone! It won’t last forever and if you ever, EVER need anything you just reach out. I’m sure there are many people that have offered their help and I’ve learned they wouldn’t offer if they didn’t mean it AND it is NOT a weakness to take it! If you live close, I’ll come help! If you don’t live close, I’m great at one handed texting 😉
Several people have asked where I came up with Leo & Lucy so here’s the skinny!
When I sat down and made my list of possible names for this little venture of mine, I took it as seriously as if I was naming my child….
I wanted it to have meaning, I wanted it to be able to grow with me and this journey, I wanted it to be professional but fun…
So, Leo and Lucy it is! Named after two very important women in my life – my grandmothers!
Grandma Lucille & I – The night Base Hit Bar closed 9-1-15
Lucille (Lucy) is my mom’s mom. She does NOT go by Lucy and if she even for a second thought I was saying Lucy is her name she would KILL me! Anyway, she was one of my second moms growing up. There are times when I say or do something that I can see her come out in me. She is the one who taught me to “kill them with kindness” and that it was ok to cry but you have to get up and move on too!
From the time we moved away, just before my 11th birthday, until I was in high school, she would come to wherever we lived for my birthday. I would get to skip school and we would go shopping, out to eat and have a girls day. You see, her birthday is two days after mine AND I am the only granddaughter on that side of the family…you could say I was/am a little spoiled 🙂
Jerrod, Grandma Leona & I – Albuquerque 2017
Leona (Leo) is my dad’s mom. Growing up she and I weren’t as close as I was with Grandma Lucille. I think that was mostly because we lived farther away. But, since I moved back to the area, she and I have taken a few trips together. A few years ago for Christmas, my parents gave her a trip to Albuquerque. So, that summer, we loaded up her car with my dad, my brother, a seven month old, and WAY too much luggage and headed out. The whole way there and back she shared stories about her, my grandpa, my dad and his siblings that I had never heard before. Let me tell you, I thought they were all innocent and well behaved….now I know where my brothers get their wild streak 🙂 Just kidding, mostly…..
Anyway, I have learned so much from her. She has the strongest faith of anybody I know. She is someone who observes and doesn’t say much but when she speaks, you listen! I think about how much this world has changed in her lifetime and how she just takes it all in stride.
Both these women are amazing and I can only hope to be as strong, faithful and kindhearted as they are. Love you both!
Follow your dreams, even if you think they are crazy!
When I became a mom in 2016, my whole life changed in an instant! And, I’m not just talking about having a tiny human to keep alive…
I suddenly became a stay-at-home mom. This meant we were down to one fluctuating income. (My husband owns his own business, so it isn’t always a guarantee what our monthly income will be.) It was in the plan to stay home, but I didn’t feel the magnitude of that decision until the day we left the hospital to head home. What have I done?!? We knew we were having a baby (obviously!) but we didn’t prepare, didn’t have a savings to rely on, didn’t realize how expensive children are to raise! I mean, everyone talks about it but really, $30+ for formula once a week adds up quickly and it’s not something you realize until you are there, in the store looking at the wall of formula, wondering if maybe your sanity isn’t more important than your checking account balance! (I’ll tell you about choosing my sanity over breastfeeding later.)
After a few months of feeling isolated in my own home, only having conversations with a smiley baby; I realized I needed to do something for me. Something that made me feel like more than just a peed on, puked on, crappy-at-her-job housekeeper. (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom but I lost myself in the process…more on that later) And, I needed to help bring in some income. I started researching and came up with a few ideas.
When I looked at my list I realized, I really just want to help people and make things 😂! In all seriousness though, nothing that I felt “called” to do would bring any sort of substantial income to the table while allowing me to still be the gofer for Reuben and keep my children out of daycare. So, back to the drawing board it was.
I tried a few different things here and there but nothing really “stuck”. It was hard to make time on the outside world’s schedule to get things accomplished. Let’s face it, a baby doesn’t care what time it is…usually what my husband needed me to do was more important (his business is our livelihood!)…and in all reality, I am not cut out to be a salesman.
For years I had thought about starting a blog. I’d watch others and think “If they can do it, why can’t I?” But, alas, I really was just too scared to take the plunge UNTIL that fateful day when our lives were turned upside down. I realized then, that I have a voice and the only thing stopping me from being heard is me!
So….I started thinking and writing….researching and brainstorming. I was trying to have everything figured out before putting myself out there. What do I say? What if nobody likes what I write? How do I make any money at this? Too nervous to actually pull the trigger and start….until one day I woke up and decided it is now or never! Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and have faith that it will all work out the way it is supposed to!
I threw together a logo, picked a name from my list of possibilities and jumped in head first! And you know what?!? I am SO glad I did! I finally feel like I have a purpose outside of being a wife, mother, errand runner and crappy-at-her-job housekeeper!!
So, what I’m trying to say is, GO FOR IT! I still don’t know what to say or if anyone will care what I have to say. I have no idea how to make any money at this or if I even want to make it about money. All I know is, I am a work in progress, this is a work in progress, life is a work in progress!
Do you have something that you have been thinking about for a long time? Something that keeps nagging at you? Something that makes your heart pump when you think about it? That right there my friend is a calling! Take it!
On Saturday, October 27th Reuben was involved in an incident in which he sustained multiple gun shot wounds. He was lifelighted to Lincoln and is in the hands of an amazing team of trauma and ICU doctors and nurses.
Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. We are truly humbled and blessed by the outpouring of love, support, and kindness everyone has shown!
***This update originally shared on Reuben’s CaringBridge site on 10-27-18.***
So, it has been a week since this whole nightmare started. In that time Reuben has had surgery to remove the damaged part of his right lung, repair his diaphragm, liver and the protective covering of his abdomen. They placed a temporary feeding tube that will stay in place while he is on the ventilator.
Thursday he stood with assistance and shuffled to sit in the chair. Friday they put in a trach and moved the ventilator from his mouth to the trach. So, he is still not able to talk but at least he can mouth words! I am definitely NOT a mind reader but we are getting better at communicating. Kind of like interpreting for Rexton. He still has a lot of healing to do and getting him to rest is proving difficult but we will take whatever forward movement we can make!
I have a personal request for all of you, please remember that everyone has questions and opinions. Remember that there are people who care for all parties involved and that what matters right now is the healing process not the he said / she said talk. I understand the want/need to defend and engage in when you disagree with what is being said but there is a lot to sort out and we just need to have faith that the truth will come out and shed light on the whole situation. Prayers do more than arguments!
***This update was originally shared on Reuben’s CaringBridge site on 11-3-18.***
